Most people do spring cleaning and I think I know why its really crazy hot in that garage of mine. Wow fresh out of the shower I feel lots better but still trying to unbury myself from my laundry. But this is a constant battle one I lose every month over and over again. I wonder if my husband knows how to use the washer?
I realized I haven't updated since Febuary and that bothers me. I am ususal very good at keeping up with stuff but this depression is getting to me. Have I seen a doctor for it? No I don't believe in medicine to fix this problem. Prayer is the answer and those that read this that don't believe in prayer it does work it's just in God's time is all. I have been doing this great devotional The Frazzled Female that my mother in law gave me months ago. I try to read it every day but sometimes I get caught up in everything and I don't get time. I have a hard enough time finding time to sit and talk with God. Lately its first thing in the morning before I think of anything else. He gives me a burst of energy to make it through this crazy summer we are having out on the beach and I thank him daily for the strength and my great friends who help me through it.
This week I'm on vacation. I have tons of plans of things I want to get done but I realize if I get one thing completely done I'm doing better than I was. Today I will say has been a wash lots of my cleaning was outside stuff and I wanted to paint a room but its a bit too damp to attempt today. So instead I'm washing clothes and more clothes. I was inspired to do this by Lee my worhsip arts pastor. He wrote a blog a few weeks back about how he and his wife did a deep cleaning on their house. They've lived in their house as long as we have and accumlated lots of junk. But its more than just getting rid of junk that piles up around the house its about the junk we tend to hold on to and shove to the side. The junk God wants sooooo badly to fix but we're so afraid/comfortable with it. Here's a link to his page http://vintagethought.cc/?p=587
I'm also getting rid of all the junk in my diet as well as my house this vacation and its not coming back in. Now let me explain what junk is. Junk is preservatives in my food. Salt just about all my frozen food in the fridge. If it is peas I'm eatting then they need to say on the packages just peas not a whole slew of weird chemicals added to my food to keep it pretty. Just about all my fridge is junk food and from now on only REAL food is going in me. Now yes this sounds extreme and believe me it is. I say I can do it but already I want a those frozen pizzas in the fridge. So instead of completely taking them out and throwing it all away. I will continue to eat them and replace all of it with real food. Healthier eatting :) I can do that. Oh and sorry for all the typos I'm folding clothes while typing :)
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Rebuilding the trust
I know my blog lately has been a bit off topic but this is part of the process of becoming a better me. I sure as heck don't want my blog to be all about failed diet attempts and exercises that make me want to vomit. :) No I want this blog to be about how I grow to understand what God wants me to do with my life. God's always is in control and I forget that a lot and he has a way of reminding me to stop and listen and take in and know him better.
Today I was expecting my sister Mollie to show up at the twelve o'clock service well.....I was let down almost crushed but then as I sat and listen to Pastor Roy give us the message it hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't put my faith in other people or even myself for that matter because I will constantly be let down only God is who I should trust. Not only that but I haven't reestablished a bond with my sister we've only talked on the phone so far. So meeting at the church after everything that she has been thru might be asking too much of her. Right now she is damaged goods she's hurting and trying to get her head on straight.
I was shocked to hear what she's been thru in the last eleven years. At age 15 she was sexually assaulted on a school bus after the incedent she dropped out of school she never told anyone what happened exactly and I wasn't going to make her tell me unless she wanted too. She also ran away from home. My Dad pretty much threw her out. She met her husband who is a few years older than her and had a baby at 17. His name is Andrew and from the phone calls I can tell you he is a handful of a two year old.
Our phone conversation shifted then to our father and all the stupid mistakes he has made and the lies and abuse he has inflicted on the family with his excessive drinking. I told Mollie that I forgave him along time ago but he doesn't want to talk with me. I told her the fight we had was so long ago I couldn't remember everything that was said but they were hurtful and degradeing things. I had my reasons for leaving I had never cried so hard in all my life. I was shattered by him over and over again and there is only so many times you can glue pieces back together before they turn to dust. She then told me about how our father is using her mother and living for free in her house up in Fountain. To this day I will never understand why my stepmother put up with all his crap and still does. Enough is enough and apparently soon very soon my father will be homeless. His drinking has gotten worse and his drug usage. All his money goes to fuel his habits by the middle of the month he has nothing left to pay the bills with. Why can't he see that he's killing himself along with his loved ones. It tears me up inside to think of how he is living. And he thinks there is nothing wrong with the way he lives. I pray everyday for God to help him to help this family.
By the end of the conversation on the phone I couldn't see because I had cried my contacts out of my eyes. She invited me to her little boys 2nd birthday party on Saturday the 26th at Frank Brown Park. When I told her there was no way I could make it due to work she started to think of ways that I could still make his party. She wants me there so badly she's willing to have it somewhere else completely. I told her not to go to all the trouble but she insisted. I'm a little weary of the party mainly because my father most likely will be there and he will be drunk I don't know if I'm strong enough yet to face him. I need lots of prayers as I continue this journey to rebuilding trust. Just put it this way I would rather stand naked in front of a crowd of people with poisonous snakes than be in a room with my Dad. This is so hard. I thank everyone as always for reading my blog and praying for me thru this.
Today I was expecting my sister Mollie to show up at the twelve o'clock service well.....I was let down almost crushed but then as I sat and listen to Pastor Roy give us the message it hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't put my faith in other people or even myself for that matter because I will constantly be let down only God is who I should trust. Not only that but I haven't reestablished a bond with my sister we've only talked on the phone so far. So meeting at the church after everything that she has been thru might be asking too much of her. Right now she is damaged goods she's hurting and trying to get her head on straight.
I was shocked to hear what she's been thru in the last eleven years. At age 15 she was sexually assaulted on a school bus after the incedent she dropped out of school she never told anyone what happened exactly and I wasn't going to make her tell me unless she wanted too. She also ran away from home. My Dad pretty much threw her out. She met her husband who is a few years older than her and had a baby at 17. His name is Andrew and from the phone calls I can tell you he is a handful of a two year old.
Our phone conversation shifted then to our father and all the stupid mistakes he has made and the lies and abuse he has inflicted on the family with his excessive drinking. I told Mollie that I forgave him along time ago but he doesn't want to talk with me. I told her the fight we had was so long ago I couldn't remember everything that was said but they were hurtful and degradeing things. I had my reasons for leaving I had never cried so hard in all my life. I was shattered by him over and over again and there is only so many times you can glue pieces back together before they turn to dust. She then told me about how our father is using her mother and living for free in her house up in Fountain. To this day I will never understand why my stepmother put up with all his crap and still does. Enough is enough and apparently soon very soon my father will be homeless. His drinking has gotten worse and his drug usage. All his money goes to fuel his habits by the middle of the month he has nothing left to pay the bills with. Why can't he see that he's killing himself along with his loved ones. It tears me up inside to think of how he is living. And he thinks there is nothing wrong with the way he lives. I pray everyday for God to help him to help this family.
By the end of the conversation on the phone I couldn't see because I had cried my contacts out of my eyes. She invited me to her little boys 2nd birthday party on Saturday the 26th at Frank Brown Park. When I told her there was no way I could make it due to work she started to think of ways that I could still make his party. She wants me there so badly she's willing to have it somewhere else completely. I told her not to go to all the trouble but she insisted. I'm a little weary of the party mainly because my father most likely will be there and he will be drunk I don't know if I'm strong enough yet to face him. I need lots of prayers as I continue this journey to rebuilding trust. Just put it this way I would rather stand naked in front of a crowd of people with poisonous snakes than be in a room with my Dad. This is so hard. I thank everyone as always for reading my blog and praying for me thru this.
Friday, February 4, 2011
God is truely amazing!
Wow what an awesome day. It was rainy and yucky and people were constantly complaining about the price of milk but I took it with a grain of salt. Then I went to lunch and was putting down my badge when one of my fellow associates asked me if I had a sister named Mollie. I froze like a deer in headlights bad images came into my head. The last I had heard she was married and living with a forty year old man and had a kid. I didn't know her married name and had absolutely no way of contacting her. I knew she had dropped out of school but no one in the family knew where she was.
Now I have to fill some of you in on my past with my dad because it is bad. In 2001 I married and everything with my dad was great well our relationship was rocky but had always been that way. My grandmother had passed away and he wasn't taking it very well. My father is an alcoholic drug abuser. I went to visit him at his house and we had an arguement and I told him he needed help and that pissed him off. Our conversation was so off base I can't remember all the details but he started screaming at me and I feared he would hit me. I remember my last words were when you grow up and get the help you need you know where to find me. We haven't spoken since my sister was 11 years old.
For these past years I have kicked myself for not being there for her. She had to grow up in a disfuctional household where both parents were drug addicts. My Mom had help leaving my Dad but her Mother didn't she stayed with him and got beaten in front of her own daughter. Mollie was abused.
Now Mollie is a mom apparently her sons birthday is this weekend. I haven't gotten to talk with her yet. The associate I work with goes to class with her on Wednesday nights off of Grace Ave. It's a class for battered women. My heart sank when I heard that. Mollie was falling in her mothers foot steps. Tonight I'm writing a letter for my friend from work to give to her at her Wednesday night meeting. Mollie asked about me so I know she wants to be a part of my life just as much as I want to be a part of hers. I thank God that I can be that rock she needs. I am so excited to be her big sister again this time I'm not leaving. Pray for us this is going to be a long weekend. Is it Wednesday yet?
Now I have to fill some of you in on my past with my dad because it is bad. In 2001 I married and everything with my dad was great well our relationship was rocky but had always been that way. My grandmother had passed away and he wasn't taking it very well. My father is an alcoholic drug abuser. I went to visit him at his house and we had an arguement and I told him he needed help and that pissed him off. Our conversation was so off base I can't remember all the details but he started screaming at me and I feared he would hit me. I remember my last words were when you grow up and get the help you need you know where to find me. We haven't spoken since my sister was 11 years old.
For these past years I have kicked myself for not being there for her. She had to grow up in a disfuctional household where both parents were drug addicts. My Mom had help leaving my Dad but her Mother didn't she stayed with him and got beaten in front of her own daughter. Mollie was abused.
Now Mollie is a mom apparently her sons birthday is this weekend. I haven't gotten to talk with her yet. The associate I work with goes to class with her on Wednesday nights off of Grace Ave. It's a class for battered women. My heart sank when I heard that. Mollie was falling in her mothers foot steps. Tonight I'm writing a letter for my friend from work to give to her at her Wednesday night meeting. Mollie asked about me so I know she wants to be a part of my life just as much as I want to be a part of hers. I thank God that I can be that rock she needs. I am so excited to be her big sister again this time I'm not leaving. Pray for us this is going to be a long weekend. Is it Wednesday yet?
Monday, January 31, 2011
mmmmmm......rabbit food
This month hasn't been the greatest start to my new year. Hard to believe it's the last day of the month. The only thing I have accomplished is finishing a painting I wasn't sure I would finish and I'm starting another that I hope I can have complete for the art show at our church. Other than that my exercise routine has gone out the window. Why you ask? Well.....I can't walk let alone do one jumping jack on my poor tired feet. If I had a saw I would hack them off, burn them, let a dog rip them off my poor legs. Okay sorry that was kind of scary but honestly my high tolerancy for pain has ended I HURT! I try hard not to complain about anything let alone use my blog for it but my feet aren't getting any better. Ya'll know what I mean I was getting bad on facebook a week ago every post was me complaining I was hurting so bad all I wanted to do was focus on things that normally don't bother me. My goal for this next month is to find a foot doctor and begin to feel like a human being. Because I can't even stand without my feet KILLING ME! I already bought myself a new pair of shoes which is a start. We are also focusing on what goes into our body. I think exercise will have to wait till I can walk again so diet is key! So no candy hearts,boxes of chocolate, or those sinful chocolate covered cherries mmmmmmm.....nope we are eating rabbit food!! So we can reproduce like rabbits :)
Monday, January 3, 2011
Proud Mary keep on burning!!!
I have to be honest otherwise I will fail miserably at this attempt to lose weight and become heathy so I can get fat again. :) By the way its early in the morning and my brain isn't quite awake yet but I haven't blogged in awhile with Christmas and stuff keeping me busy.
After a failed Christmas I call it failed because I didn't shop much and I never got my Christmas tree up heck I didn't even wrap the presents I did buy. This would be my wonderful depression trying to settle in and with it I got lazy. I took a week off P90X because I hurt so bad I couldn't even sit down. Well then when I planned on starting back up our DVD player stopped reading disc no big we still had the XBOX to use. Well I also do my dance workout on the XBOX and I used it when I couldn't do P90X it died too!!! So another week went by no exercise and I hate to say overeatting. But amazingly I didn't gain but 5lbs back and this last week they melted away again. I had noticed my pants fitting differently and struggled at work all week keeping them up especially because I was so busy with returns I never stopped moving. That made up for my lost exercise. So we bought a new XBOX now were back to killing ourselves.
I know a lot of people make new years resolutions and many people never stick to them. I plan on this year not wasting money. Yep that's one of my new years resolutions the other is to get this house decluttered. My third resolution is to push myself to meet my goals. I know I'm only supposed to have one but there is many things I need to work on. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. I strongly believe without him I'm nothing and when I start getting depressed and start to give up I know I need to have a time out with God. Those are allowed but not being lazy :) I would like to thank everyone for taking the time out of your day to read my blog you have no idea how much it means to me. Ya'll are the greatest support I could ask for your encouraging words keep me going. Wishing everyone a Happy New Year. Off I go to do more laundry :)
After a failed Christmas I call it failed because I didn't shop much and I never got my Christmas tree up heck I didn't even wrap the presents I did buy. This would be my wonderful depression trying to settle in and with it I got lazy. I took a week off P90X because I hurt so bad I couldn't even sit down. Well then when I planned on starting back up our DVD player stopped reading disc no big we still had the XBOX to use. Well I also do my dance workout on the XBOX and I used it when I couldn't do P90X it died too!!! So another week went by no exercise and I hate to say overeatting. But amazingly I didn't gain but 5lbs back and this last week they melted away again. I had noticed my pants fitting differently and struggled at work all week keeping them up especially because I was so busy with returns I never stopped moving. That made up for my lost exercise. So we bought a new XBOX now were back to killing ourselves.
I know a lot of people make new years resolutions and many people never stick to them. I plan on this year not wasting money. Yep that's one of my new years resolutions the other is to get this house decluttered. My third resolution is to push myself to meet my goals. I know I'm only supposed to have one but there is many things I need to work on. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. I strongly believe without him I'm nothing and when I start getting depressed and start to give up I know I need to have a time out with God. Those are allowed but not being lazy :) I would like to thank everyone for taking the time out of your day to read my blog you have no idea how much it means to me. Ya'll are the greatest support I could ask for your encouraging words keep me going. Wishing everyone a Happy New Year. Off I go to do more laundry :)
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