Never say never!

Well it has been a crazy week. I had my HSG yesterday it went better than I had hoped for. The fact : my tubes are still not fully open as much as they should be which still complicates things. But BOTH are open now!!!!!!! When Dr. Ramie told me the other tube the one that was so scared is open I felt God in the room. Let me tell ya holding this in for the last day has been rough. I wanted to tell everyone the moment I found out but I have been planning my blog. I wanted to share it with those that actually read my ramblings. When I was waiting for Dr. Ramie to arrive I was sitting on the hospital bed in the neatest gown it had a heater in it. I wanted to take it home with me. I love to be warm and cozy. I had my moment of prayer. I asked God to do what he needed to do. It's all in his hands. I am honestly terrified of doing IVF not just for the cost but the emotional strain. I am already a basket case and this is just the beginning. I keep asking for guidance and Chris doesn't want to go IVF he is afraid of it too. Most our conversation about it end with me crying so hard he can't talk to me. This is tearing me up just to write this. I pray that the RE likes what he sees and we can do IUI instead of IVF. For those that don't know what IUI is it's artificial insemination. They take his best multiple collections of sperm and injected it into me at the right time of ovulation. Then we wait and hopefully a baby is born. This route is covered under insurance. IVF isn't and involves lots of surgeries to remove the eggs put them back and I would have to have my tubes tied off. It's not guaranteed to work on the first cycle.
Then there is this part of me that wants a baby no matter what. That side would climb mountains ,sell everything ,even lose weight to gain a healthy baby.
 People keep mentioning adoption. It's not for me I can't bond with someone else's child. I want my own. I want the morning sickness, the weird cravings, the huge ankles, people rubbing my belly. I want it so bad! So I know you mean well but don't ever suggest adoption to a woman who is going through infertility. It just upsets her more than you may realize. Support her by praying and being that hug she needs when things upset her. Listen when she needs to talk. Those are just a few things that I need lots of right now. Maybe I am asking too much and I am sorry but until you go through it you have no idea how it feels. I have to keep a positive look on this or I will crumble. This journey has the ability to ruin me but I won't let it. Sorry I just got a bit too real. I do thank you all for continued prayer. I know soon we will have good news. I just know it !!!thank you love you all.

Keeping hope against all odds.

This is the hardest blog I have written. I wish I could say I have the best news ever but that ended Sunday morning. God had other plans. I miscarried it was quick I was only pregnant that I knew of for two days. Two wonderful days. I had no energy I didn't feel like myself and I was posting it all on Facebook and I just thought I was tired from all the emotional and financial decisions that my husband and I needed to make.
 I keep remembering the visit with the Dr. now when asked if I had ever been pregnant I said no. It was the truth to think as I sat there I was pregnant. The weird feeling in the waiting room was my baby's cells being divided. The knots in my stomach were my body responding to the pregnancy.
 I have cried and it still upsets me. I just have to pray the next time it sticks and is healthy.
Knowing my tube isn't blocked is one happy thought. I can get pregnant! This isn't the end of my story. This is just the beginning. I can't wait to start trying again.
 I have another appointment to see my Dr. It's on the 18th. I have plenty of things to ask him and pray I don't need medication to carry a baby full term. I pray this next cycle is the one. I want to be pregnant before the new year. Silly goal but I have the most awesome prayer team. You know who you are. I feel so blessed to have you in my life. I would be a total basket case without you. Well I will keep you updated but hopefully my next blog will bring wonderful news. Love you all.

Just so draining.....

This Wednesday we met dr. Koulianos. He was a pleasant Dr. Very easy to understand. All nesessary things I look for in a dr. But waiting in the waiting room was pure hell. There were other couples besides us waiting to see the dr. The difference in us was the wife was the husbands age. They talked to each other in hushed voices. I kept rubbing Chris's arm showing affection to make him feel less uncomfortable. To make matters worse I made Chris dress up for this appointment and this caused a fight. The whole drive down to Gulf Breeze was miserable. I just wanted him to look nice. He just wanted to wear a Mickey Mouse tee shirt and jeans. In the meeting we found out both of us have issues and that human reproduction is designed poorly. Meaning if you can't pay taxes and sell cocaine you have lots of babies but if you pay taxes and can afford kids you have troubles attaining them.
He went on to talk about the first course of action which sounded really weird. I didn't know you could freeze sperm and eggs. It seems so Si-fi. They would put Chris on special supplements to make his sperm form correctly. He would donated several times. They go and separate out all the good sperm from the bad sperm freeze it and then when I am ovulating they would insert it in my uterus. This is artificial insemenation. This is the less $$$$$$ route. But first we have to buy supplements wait two months then do another sperm analyst. I have to have two test done. The first is an HSG I just had this done in July. That's where they take iodine shoot it up into the uterus into the tubes to see if they are blocked. If they are blocked I have to have another surgery to remove them. The scar tissue inside the tubes can affect the egg for IVF. Apparently scar tissue has its own hormones it produces it's science I don't get. All I see is more holes in me and more pain and more depression knowing this will be my only way of getting pregnant. I won't be able to get pregnant naturally. But before those test I need to have my egg count done. I may not have any eggs left. Or I may have very few left. That I think is impossible. I look at both my grandmothers who both had twins who both had late pregnancy in life. I don't think this is an issue but I'm not a dr. I won't know till it is done.
I have a lot to think about. The average cost of an IVF cycle is $8,000.00.  This is a huge expense. I
know it
is worth it but if I do this I don't think I can stay home and take care of my baby. I would have no choice but to work to pay off the overall cost of having it. My bills are already over $10,000 and that's for my first surgery which issuance paid. Ugh......just pray for me pray for piece of mind. I need to know I am choosing the right choice for Chris and I. I think buying a house was easier than this just saying. Also please pray for my mom she was just admitted to the hospital. She took a spill on her crutches about a week and a half ago but wouldn't go to the hospital and finally my brother while taking her to her foot dr to have a new cast put on her foot she went. They did the x-rays and her #75 vertebrae is fractured and compressed on top of each other. With her foot they admitted her to the hospital. My mind has been everywhere this week and I just need some sleep so pray for her and pray for me to get some good sleep. I was told today I look sick because my dark circles under my eyes are so black and the veins in my eyes are so red. I was like thanks for telling me I look bad if you had this much on your mind you would be tired too. Till the next update love you all.

401 K?

I have had a lot on my mind mainly money. My last post was all about money and how much it makes me sick with stress. I started thinking today I could get out of debt with the bills I have now by using my 401 K. I realize if I do this I will have to pay taxes on it and take a huge penalty. But....I don't want to go further into debt either. I can always start my retirement over again. Besides I will have kids to take care of me, lol I know fat chance. I just feel hopeless right now. I know if I go the IVF route it is going to cost a small fortune. I don't want to finance anything else. I feel we are up to our eye balls in debt right now. I guess everyone was right buy a car and a baby comes along. I wish I would have bought the damn car SOONER. Oh and I still haven't mailed my packet yet. They keep calling me so I am mailing it not finished. I was supposed to go by Dr. Bullards office and get my records but that isn't happening. Everything she did for me I consider a bad dream. Like it never happened.  At least Chris got his medical records from Dr. Hitt. At least one set of medical records are in the mail.
Yall keep praying it happens this month. I would so love to cancel the appointment to the fertility clinic.I don't know why but I am terrified of going. It seems silly but it freaks me out. I keep wondering why God didn't make me like everyone else. Why do I have to go thru this? I know I shouldn't question him. He knows what he's doing I just wish he would tell me.

Wondering if I wasted more time and money....

I am deeming the last two weeks a total and utter nightmare. Where did I get this crazy idea that having a baby would just magically happen once one tube was unclogged. Where did I get this crazy idea that tracking my ovulation would make a difference. Where did I get this crazy idea that stress wouldn't have a major roll in the production of another human being!!! Yeah I am stressed out to the max and as the medical bills start to trickle in I am more and more discouraged.
As I continue the long process of filling out all this paper work that the Dr. in Gulf Breeze wants I am beginning to wonder if we are going to be able to afford this? It always comes down to money always. Ugh...now I am upset that didn't take long. I hate money it stresses me out to no end. I can't work with it I mean being a cashier is easy working at the service desk was easy but money center NO WAY that much money and my nerves start up. Well every month as I pay the wonderful bills I get sick to my stomach and stress out and sometimes not meaning to I will bring my loving husband into the problem of money and we start to fight. I just got rid of two credit cards I was rejoicing. I was happy now I am looking at almost $ 10,000 in medical bills and yes my insurance or lack of has paid their portion of the surgery. My stomach is preminately upset and work isn't making this problem go away. Work is adding to my stress. It's that time of year when hours get cut and you have to do more work in less time. I almost fell asleep on the way home. I am wore out and still have tomorrow to worry about. Plus I found out our bonus which I was really hoping was big isn't.So any extra money to pay off these medical bills just isn't there.
To add to the stress this months period was so bad I almost went to the ER. Chris was out of town and I was all alone this last weekend. I wouldn't stop bleeding. I didn't have cramps but the blood loss was high. I started to get the shakes and I could tell from my sunk in eyes that I was fading fast. This made me even more stressed out because I started to think I was having a miscarriage. I took three pregnancy test all came out negative. But I had read it was possible to still be pregnant. That made this last weekend even worse. I cried, I ate stuff I shouldn't have, and I took the longest nap of my life. I woke up Sunday and I was human again. I fixed my hair or rather tried to fix my hair and I went to church alone. Chris got home late Sunday afternoon and we watched football together and again ate stuff we shouldn't have. All this eatting of things I shouldn't has cause me to put on over 12 lbs. I feel dreadful too. I can't believe I have done this. I start to think if I wasn't seeing my personal trainer how much more weight would I have gained by now. So no more bad stuff only meat and vegetables for this girl. I have to get this weight off. I have got to stop stressing out. I have got to stop worrying about money.
September 20th I go back to see Dr. Ramie not exactly sure why I am seeing him again. I think he just wants to make sure I am doing okay or something? I wish I could say I am. I wish all my money problems would just disappear. I wish I would have seen Dr. Ramie three years ago! But there are a lot of things I wish I could change and some that I realize if I did change them I wouldn't know all the great people I now know. Like if I didn't work in the bakery I wouldn't have ever meet Jennifer. I would still be fat and miserable and no closer to having a baby. I thank God for her everyday. I just remember reading this in my packet that I am still trying to get filled out and sent in. What is your state of mental health over your infertily. Honestly it scares me. I see adorable babies in carts at Walmart the Mom is shopping and walks just far enough away from the cart. I actually think about how easy it would be for me to snatch the kid and run for it. Now I swear I wouldn't ever do it but the thought is there which scares me. The longing is so strong. I worry that I have wasted my money on this surgery. I was told that everyone heals differently. My tube could be just as scared up as before my period this month doesn't give me much hope. I am like a tv that keeps changing channels. If it is God's will then this will happen. I just wish somehow I could fast forward it and skip to the best part!
Please pray for me and for my job and my boss and co workers that have to deal with me. I am sure my stress is transferring to them. Pray for my loving husband who desipite all I have put him through and the mean things I say he still loves me anyways. Pray for Oct. 2 that's our appointment to see the Dr. in Gulf Breeze and pray for our money issues. I thank you all for reading my blog maybe one day I will turn it into a book. A friend said I should I already have the title but I ain't telling ya :)

Worried,scared, but hopeful

I wasn't planning on writing on my blog tonight but the longer I sit here and the more research aka googling I do on ovulation the more excited and scared I get. I went out last week after my Dr. appointment and bought the two month supply of ovulation testing sticks and I got the good ones with the digital display. I wasn't expecting to ovulate after all the trama from the surgery but something told me go ahead and see. Sure enough I am ovulating this week and I have been having ovulation pains. I thought I was losing my mind I am so hopeful and scared right now every little twinge in my ovary area is making me nervous. Then tonight I started to bleed. Not blood gushing but spotting. I started to freak out got a bit nervous and thought OH CRAP I need to call the Dr.

Luckily there are lots of great sites for women like me who freak out over everything. Apparently  my bleeding is caused by the egg being released from the follicle and the contraction caused by the follipian tubes moving the egg. I have never had this happen before EVER. I have never had ovulation pain or bleeding this is all new to me and because pain and cramping is involved I thought I was about to start my period. But I knew that wasn't happening it couldn't be not with all the work I just had done to me. I am worried, scared, but hopeful that we can do this naturally. Keep praying everybody it takes two weeks for the egg to do its thing. Keep praying it can go where it needs to be and not in my tube. Pray for my peace of mind and not to stress out over this. So many great things are happening but I am too busy worrying about what I have no control over.  I thank you all for reading until the next update love ya.

The journey just got a little longer.......

First off what a day it started at 3 am and ended at 4 pm. I am wore out but I have a new hope and did I mention I love my Dr. He is awesome very compassionate and just awesome. Chris got to come with me and talk with him too today and he asked questions I wouldn't have thought to ask. Of course I forgot some questions but hopefully I can google them later on tonight when I remember them. First off I do indeed have stage 3 endometriosis. Most women who have it this bad get hysterectomy. I am of course not ready to have my female parts taken out even if they are all scared up. My one tube is open for how long I don't know. Even Dr. Ramie couldn't tell me a definate. Endometriosis keeps growing every time you have a period it builds back. So I may only have one month but this doesn't mean I am throwing in the towel just yet. Heck no I have come this far this journey is no where close to being done. It is just starting.
I have one month to make a baby naturally then I get to see reproductive endocrinologist in Gulf Breeze. I think his name was Dr. Ocello? Dr. Ramie recommends their practice they have a main lab in Mobile Alabama. I am excited, scared, and I feel like a kid on Christmas right now. I am also emotional. I found out why I kept bleeding after the surgery Dr. Ramie reset my period. I didn't think you could do that but with all the stuff he removed that's exactly what happened. So I get to start trying to make a baby a week earlier than planned.
The down side to trying naturally is with all the scaring on my one tube I run a 50% chance of having an ectopic pregnancy. So Dr. Ramie wants to see me immediately in five weeks to do a test to check hormone levels if they go up or down which ones I can't remember it means that the egg has implanted in the tube they can stop the pregnancy before it becomes a serious problem and requires emergency surgery. That kind of bummed me out and scared me a bit. He also told me if I go the IVF route which is a safer bet I still run the risk of the egg going up into the tubes and implanting. Most fertility Dr. will tie off the tubes to stop this from occuring. That really bummed me out. That would mean the only way I could have kids is IVF PERIOD! I will have all my questions answered October 2. I plan on making a day of it and visiting family in Gulf Breeze. Hopefully I can get the time off of work to do this things are a bit crazy right now.
Please pray for a natural born child IVF is a tough decision. I don't believe in abortion or selective anything a baby is a baby and I couldn't choose which one to use. It's all or nothing I have read a bit on it and talking with this Dr. I pray will put my mind and Chris's mind at ease. Medical science has come a long way in twenty years. So I guess I should get off this computer now and go and make some babies LOL okay sorry TMI but that's what Dr. Ramie said for me to do of course he said the car was a good place to start LOL I about died laughing talk about awkward LOL. Thank you for your continued prayers and support I love you all so much. Will keep ya updated. :)

TMI guys!!!!!

What a day what a week! I feel okay but not really. I will warn all my male readers now I am sharing female stuff.  You have been warned!!!!!!!


Okay let me start over. Okay so Tuesday last week was my surgery. I was nervous but not really. I got decent sleep and woke up at four a.m.  I read my devotional and had time with God. I kept reading my memory verse over and over. My faith was wavering had been for the last two months as I waited for my surgery. I knew I had people praying for me but reading God's word that morning was the kick I needed. I even read it to Chris that morning he got a different meaning from it but I love discussing the bible with him he teaches me lots I love him for that. The verse that I read was Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. Well I do in fact have stage three endometriosis. My tubes were in fact blocked and one is so scared it wouldn't  open. The other barely opened. I also had a golf ball sized polyp in my uterus which is still causing me pain and bleeding and to make matters worse my actual period is going to start Saturday. I have been bleeding over a week. So I have issues. They are bad issues but this doesn't mean I can't possibly have children. I will Tuesday find out our next plan of action with Dr. Ramie. I am hoping Chris can come with me. He is better at remembering questions that need to be asked. I want to thank my church family especially thank you for the dinners last week it helped us out so much. If Chris cooked I would've had ramen noodles. He doesn't cook. Keep praying for me I have gotten some answers but still need more. This journey is just beginning. Thanks for reading love you all.

 

Not so in haste, my heart!
Have faith in God, and wait;
Although He seems to linger long,
He never comes too late.—Torrey

God always performs what He promises

I'm like a shaken soda open at your own risk!

What a crazy few months it has been. Satan has been attacking me from all sides. First it started with me getting in a car wreck in my new car. Make matters worse it was my fault. I don't know what happened I blame it on my crazy work schedule. I was very tired that day. That cost me money I didn't have to get it fix and I am glad I did because I wouldn't have had a working a/c in my new car if I would have let it go. I hit the back end of the SUV in front me so hard the trailer hitch went straight through to my condenser. I tore it up good. Then in July I started having a dull ache in my gums on the side I had just had a root canal on. It quickly turned into the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I missed work and felt like total hell. Went to the dentist and he took X-rays and told me he needed to pull it. I asked him was it broken he said he couldn't see any breakage. I did not want to have a tooth pulled. I asked him if it could be saved he said to try the antibiotics and see if the infection cleared. It cleared after over a week of taking horse sized pills. I still have concerns about it but I can eat on it again but I only chew soft things. I should go back to the dentist and let him look at it. I just haven't gotten around to it yet. That's not all that Satan has thrown at us. My husbands step brother was at work had a seizure and was taken to the hospital. They did an MRI and found a large tumor on his frontal lube of his brain. He had surgery and it was a success but he can't get medical leave from his job because he hadn't worked there long enough. Every week we find out more bad news and then a miracle happens. So we trust God has this. His medicine which would have cost $13,000 a month is now costing $60.00. My sister in law is hard at work getting Christopher taken care of. Please say a prayer for them thank you. To say it has been crazy is an understatement. I just keep waiting and I know I shouldn't wait for something bad. I think my positive attitude is broken. I need to quit it too.

So Friday I went and had preop that was a barrel of fun NOT. First I talked with Dr. Ramie and found out what exactly he was going to do to me. It doesn't sound like a lot of fun that's for sure. First he is doing a d.n.c. But not a full one just for biopsy. Then he will be putting dye into my tubes to see if they're blocked and if they are he will unblock them. While in there if he see any endometrial lesions he will burn them off and if he see any cysts he will take them too. So basically I am getting a tune up. This entire week I haven't been able to take any Alieve for pain or aspirin. I always hurt after my workouts with Jennifer so I am having to be extra tough. I am not tough I am a weakling. I am my worst enemy right now. I have cried so much in the past two months I ruined my contacts. I have to wear my glasses because I can't see with my contacts. Worse yet I have to wait till next year to go to the eye doctor. This surgery is costing us a small fortune. I hope he finds my problem and fixes it and in the same breathe I hope he doesn't find anything. I am so worried and just want this chapter in my life to be over. I want my happy ending. I want babies to take care of. I want my OWN babies to take care of. I know there is tons of children out there that need a family. I just can't do it. I had a long talk with God about it and prayed on it for a long time. I just can't. I keep having dreams about what my children will look like. I see a girl with ringlets of ebony hair and the greenest eyes and her brother is totally opposite he has straight blonde hair with hazel eyes. I can't wait to meet them. I can't wait to be their mom and for Chris to be their dad. I wouldn't mind having them together or separate. At this point I just want them so bad. I have so many things I want to share with them. So many things. The surgery is Tuesday morning at 5am. I am not looking forward to getting up so early but it will be worth it I just know it. As my aunt told me today nothing worth having comes easily. How right she is. I am hoping that this will make it easier lots easier. Well off to bake a cake thank you again for reading my blog. I will try really hard to update after the surgery. But don't count on it I may just update my Facebook to let everyone know how I am doing. Thanks again for reading, praying and just being there you all mean the world to me.

writing from my cell phone

Lol this is hard to do. I just wanted to let everyone who follows me know I am not dead. So much has happened and not great things. Tonight I plan on filling you in on all the drama. This is a warning bring tissue and find a comfortable seat this blog is going to be long. Love you all read me tonight.

Information OVERLOAD!!!!!!

Knowledge is power but too much and it can actually be harmful. I don't know why but when I am stressed out about something I like to read of ways to fix it. I guess that's why I read my bible every day. I want to do what God wants me to do. I know that my over obsessing over my new found illness is not healthy. This last weekend I blew my diet out of the water and let my doubts take over my thinking. I read and re-read Web Md. and other sites about endometriosis. I know more about the sickness than I should. I even watched a you tube video of a Dr. removing the scaring from some poor woman's ovaries and junk. It was GROSS but I felt I needed to sit and watch this video for five minutes. Why? I don't know I guess it's my way of coping with all the stress I am under. It's funny too talking to people about my surgery. They are surprised I am having to wait so long to have my surgery when in my mind July 30th is just around the corner it really isn't. I have my worries one is always money. Money to pay for the surgery bills, work, blah blah blah. That's when I kick myself in the tail and tell myself to stop over-thinking all of it. I actually had a small panic attack after my visit with Dr. Ramie. It took me several hours to gather my wits to even try to write my blog. I sat in front of my lap top and just cried and let the tears flow. I can't say that it made me feel better. Actually I got a horrible headache because of it. Also I need to go to the eye dr. I have no more contacts to ruin and I hate wearing my glasses. So I sucked it up and sat down and pushed through my feelings of defeat. I know deep down that this is not the end of my journey I am getting answers they are just not the ones I signed up for. God knows what he wants for me I am just one hard headed child. At least that's what my Mom says.
On a different note last week I began a new beginning with my nutritionist Jennifer. I soon won't be on Ideal Protein. I am starting a new system and for the life of me I just forgot the name of it. But anyways it cost less and taste better has really good vitamins and is just as filling. I also started my training with Jennifer she has me doing all kinds of torture I mean exercises to firm me up. As I continue to lose weight I am getting kind of squishy in the middle. She is whipping me into shape. If anyone is interested in any of her classes she offers at her gym or is interested in weight loss or hiring her as a personal trainer you won't be sorry. She is one of the most awesome inspiring people I have ever met. She loves her job and it shows. She knows how to make you into the person you can only dream of. It is all a matter of if YOU WANT IT. Contact me on Facebook if you are serious about meeting her. Well I guess that just about sums up this update. I am going to stay away from Web MD. and not over think everything that I now know. Please continue to pray for me. I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart. Have a wonderful week and stay tuned for the next update.

I have good news and bad news.

I wish I could say I am happy right now but actually I am very upset and I am trying really hard to understand why I have to go through so much to start my family. I try to think of my grandmother Wheeler and how she had tried for 14 years to conceive and finally at 32 my mother was born. I remember her telling me she didn't even know she was pregnant. She was visiting her mother in Bayou La Batre and her boobs were really hurting her. She knew her period would start soon but her breast were making her uncomfortable. So my great grandmother took her into the bedroom and told her to remove her shirt. That's when my great grandmother told my grandmother she was indeed pregnant and needed to see a Dr. when she got home to Panama City. Sure enough eight months later my mother was born. I keep remembering this story and it makes me sad because I miss my grandmother so much and it gives me hope at the same time. Okay sorry already I am crying and becoming an emotional wreck I blame it on my hormones aka my period. So lets recap what test have been ran.
In April I had the PCOS test ran it came up negative. WOO HOO this is good news and bad because PCOS is fixed with METFORMIN I am on this medication for my diabetes. So metformin isn't going to make me have children and fix my problem. Bummer :(
Friday I went to have my transvaginal ultrasound to see if all my parts are where they are supposed to be and if any growth is on my tubes. Unfortunately I misunderstood Dr. Ramie I thought he would be able to see if my tubes were blocked with the ultrasound the ultrasould can only see cyst or tumors. Well good news I don't have cyst or any tumors. Bad news I have what appears to be fluid around my uterus. Mind you I literally Friday morning woke up and started to spot. I knew my period would start very soon and on the ultrasound you could see the lining and everything and how full it was. I was like wow that's freaky. The tech was teaching a new student how to read the screen and I was of course a bundle of questions. She said I had a text book uterus and overies. All my parts are where they should be it was like looking at one of those posters they have hanging in the rooms while you wait.That made me feel a little bit better but seeing Dr. Ramie after he looked at my ultrasound didn't make me happy. I held it together when he told me he was sure it was endometriosis. I will indeed have surgery to remove it and he will scrap my tubes clear if they are blocked. The only way to know for sure if I have endometriosis is to have surgery it doesn't show up very well on ultrasounds. But he thinks I am in stage three by the issues I have had with my periods since I started puberty.  If I choose to not have surgery I might as well throw in the towel so to speak. If the eggs can't nest it's self it can't never get fertilized by the sperm so even if my tubes aren't blocked the endometriosis is making it to where my egg can't sit and get fertilized.  I imagine my eggs floating all over the place and Chris's sperm getting very tired and falling asleep. Crazy imagination I have but in fact that's what's going on.
I go in for surgery July 30th. I am scared but not because of the pain or recovery. I am scared because what if it isn't endometriosis what if there is nothing wrong with me what if.............boy I need to turn that switch off in my brain. That is the one part of being a woman that I can't stand. The what ifs. I know what I am need to do and I am going to do it. I have decided Chris and I will try after having the surgery to conceive naturally for a few months then I will talk to Dr. Ramie about IVF. This surgery is not a fix to my problem it is a small window of opportunity. This crap will come back as long as I am producing estrogen and having my periods I will have endometriosis.The surgery will be outpatient and laperscopic. So I should be back to work in about a week. I plan on taking some vacation time to heal up nicely since I have a very labor intensive job now. I really wish I would have stayed at the desk but live, learn and get over it :) I can't wait to start my family. Thank you for your prayers I could feel each of you there with me. This is just the beginning not the end and I need to remember that. I still have a long way too go. So until next time love you all!

I'm on pins and needles people!!!!!!!

This has been the longest month of my life. I had a wonderful visit with my Mom, Brother, and Niece. Then when I thought I was done visiting family more family came to town to visit. I got to see my cousins and my Aunt and Uncle from Ohio. Good times best visit EVER!!!! I also got to meet my brothers fiancé.  It also has been crazy at work lots of changes and none for the better. My stress level has been through the roof! Stress isn't good for anyone and with me it means my diet suffers. I won't lie I cheated and cheated some more. I am surprized by last weeks total because I have been in a plateau for so long. Soon I will be actually starting a new diet one that is much healthier and not low carb. I am always worried about starting something new. Which brings me to why I am on pins and needles. Friday I get to see Dr. Ramie again and talk about my PCOS and he will be doing a transvaginal ultrasound on me to check the shape of my cervix and if I have any scaring from endometriosis. The reason he wants to check the shape of my cervix is because if it is tilted to far sperm can't get to where they need to go. I am actually hoping it is my cervix and not endometriosis because one means surgery the other means turkey baster. Yup you read that right turkey baster. Sign me up! Hhehehehe okay sorry for the joke. Some got it others are scratching their heads and wondering if I have lost my mind. Well....maybe I have been up since 2 am. But really I need my prayer warriors to pray for answers and results and that Dr. Ramie can see my problem and easily fix it without surgery. The only surgery I want is a c-section when I have two beautiful twins :)

Since I have your attention I guess I could share my weird dream I had the other night. I dreamed I was having the ultrasound and due to when my period starts Dr. Ramie could see a fertilized egg developing. That dream had me so hopeful I actually looked up when an ultrasound can see a fertilized egg. I was shocked to find out that yes in fact you can see it at 3 weeks. Would it not be an absolute miracle if I was indeed pregnant when I go in on Friday. I would freak out! I mean it's possible Chris and I haven't not been trying if ya know what I mean ;-)  Well I guess I will wrap this up now. I am sure some thought I had will occur to me when I push the send button on my computer. It almost always happens. I thank you all for reading and supporting me with your love and well wishes. I am very grateful to have such wonderful godly women in my life. I love serving with you and being your friend. Thank you thank you thank you!

Second opinions are a blessing.

I know I know I am a little late with the great news. If you remember a blog or two ago I told you of a friend of mine who went to dr. Bullard and was put through the same things I was only to be told after much heart ache and money that she would have to see a specialist? She had an old birth control implant in her arm and dr. Bullard told her that it wasn't the reason she couldn't get pregnant. When in fact it was. The implant she had was recalled and when dr. Ramie removed it the tubes of birth control were still almost all full. She had enough medication in those tubes to last the rest of her life. She also had an ultrasound done and Dr. Ramie said she had a cyst on one of her tubes. She was supposed to have surgery to remove the cyst but decided to wait and see if she could get pregnant now with the implant removed from her arm. I have been praying for her. She didn't ask me but I knew she needed me too. She is saved but has been burned by the church she attended. She knows God loves her and believes in him but she doesn't attend church. Well she told me Friday that she is about two months pregnant. I can tell she is scared and that she is having morning sickness. I pray she gets to enjoy this pregnancy from here on out and that very soon I can change the name of my blog to eveispregnant.blogspot.com. I haven't found out yet everyone the results of my bloodwork for PCOS. On the 17th I go for my ultrasound to check the shape of my cervix and to take a good look at my tubes. Lots to do I can't wait to share with all of you. So the point of this blog is to say that not all Dr. are good at their jobs. Never feel like the first opinion is the only one you should go with. I did because she has always been my gyno. But not anymore. This is your body you only get one. So have a beautiful Sunday love you all.

PCOS or Endometriosis?

Well good afternoon I have been up since two this beautiful morning and I am so tired I can't stand myself but I promised a blog and here it is.

Oh Friday what a day let me tell ya I had to make an emergency appointment to see my dentist. Emergency because I couldn't wait another week I was in so much pain and if I didn't see him Friday I wouldn't be able to see him till my vacation started.  I will be out of town seeing my Mommy and I ain't going to be in no pain. So I had a root canal done at 10 am that morning. Tried to eat a salad with my mouth still half numb it was fun NOT! I sat around the house and went through more of my oversized clothes which I think I will be doing this forever it's hard to give them up. I keep thinking dang I just bought that ugh! But anywho I was very impressed by the staff at Emerald Coast OBGYN. I was seen very quickly I sat maybe ten minutes if that and I was wisked back to the room. But my time with Dr. Ramey wasn't quick I was able to ask him almost all  my questions and a few I didn't even think of just came to me. He is very easy to talk with even though he is a man. I was a bit uneasy at first but quickly realized my shyness needed to beat it. I got to show him how much I have lost and why. He was shocked at my success and told me to keep at it. But he told me that I do in fact ovulate. If you have a period every month you ovulate. After discussing my problem periods with him he thinks I may have a blockage in my tubes. He didn't want to rule out PCOS but he was almost sure I have Endometriosis. To those who don't know what Endometriosis and PCOS is let me educate you the best way I can without confusing you.

Polycystic ovary syndrome  is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease.
Hormones are chemical messengers that trigger many different processes, including growth and energy production. Often, the job of one hormone is to signal the release of another hormone.
For reasons that are not well understood, in PCOS the hormones get out of balance. One hormone change triggers another, which changes another. For example:

• The sex hormones get out of balance. Normally, the ovaries make a tiny amount of male sex hormones (androgens). In PCOS, they start making slightly more androgens. This may cause you to stop ovulating, get acne, and grow extra facial and body hair.
• The body may have a problem using insulin, called insulin resistance. When the body doesn't use insulin well, blood sugar levels go up. Over time, this increases your chance of getting diabetes.

Symptoms tend to be mild at first. You may have only a few symptoms or a lot of them. The most common symptoms are:

• Acne.
• Weight gain and trouble losing weight.
• Extra hair on the face and body. Often women get thicker and darker facial hair and more hair on the chest, belly, and back.
• Thinning hair on the scalp.
• Irregular periods. Often women with PCOS have fewer than nine periods a year. Some women have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding.
• Fertility problems. Many women who have PCOS have trouble getting pregnant (infertility).
• Depression.

Most women with PCOS grow many small cysts on their ovaries. That is why it is called polycystic ovary syndrome. The cysts are not harmful but lead to hormone imbalances
The symptoms of PCOS are caused by changes in hormone levels. There may be one or more causes for the hormone level changes.
PCOS seems to run in families, so your chance of having it is higher if other women in your family have PCOS, irregular periods, or diabetes. PCOS can be passed down from either your mother's or father's side.

On Monday I will go in for a test to see if PCOS is in fact my problem. Now onto what Endometriosis is.
Endometriosis is the development of uterine-lining tissue outside the uterus. Symptoms include abdominal pain, heavy periods, and infertility. Treatments include pain relievers, birth control pills, and surgery.

Endometriosis is usually a long-lasting (chronic) disease. When you have endometriosis, the type of tissue that lines your uterus is also growing outside your uterus. The clumps of tissue (called implants) may have grown on your ovaries or fallopian tubes, the outer wall of the uterus, the intestines, or other organs in the belly. In rare cases they spread to areas beyond the belly.

With each menstrual cycle, the implants go through the same growing, breaking down, and bleeding that the uterine lining (endometrium) goes through. This is why endometriosis pain may start as mild discomfort a few days before the menstrual period and then usually is gone by the time the period ends. But if an implant grows in a sensitive area, it can cause constant pain or pain during certain activities, such as sex, exercise, or bowel movements.

BOWEL MOVEMENTS??? Seriously this explains lots of things.

Some women have no symptoms or problems. Others have mild to severe symptoms or infertility. There is no way to predict whether endometriosis will get worse, will improve, or will stay the same until menopause.
Between 20% and 40% of women who are infertile have endometriosis (some have more than one possible cause of infertility).¹ Experts don't fully understand how endometriosis causes infertility. It could be that:²

• Scar tissue (adhesions) may form at the sites of implants and change the shape or function of the ovaries, fallopian tubes, or uterus.
• The endometrial implants may change the chemical and hormonal makeup in the fluid that surrounds the organs in the abdominal cavity (peritoneal fluid). This may change the menstrual cycle or prevent a pregnancy

Thank you Web MD for that info. Now you know what I may have I am leaning more to the Endometriosis because of my horrible periods. Every month is different some worse than others and if I didn't take Alieve I would be in a world of hurt and sometimes it doesn't work for me at all and I end up in the fetal position waiting for it too stop. Dr. Ramey asked me if I have clots and when I told him yes for like the first three days I have large clots that cause very bad cramps while I pass them. I told him about my periods when I was younger and how the only reason I went to the gyno at 14 was because I was passsing out at school every month from the cramps. I am now more than ever scared. Everything that Dr. Bullard said is crap and now I feel more lost. I realize this is just the beginning of finding out what is TRUELY wrong with me but I am afraid. I try hard not to be but I may end up having surgery to fix this and what if after the surgery I find out my eggs aren't good enough there are so many factors that are bouncing around in my head. Satan putting that doubt in me. I trust in the Lord and I lean not on my own understanding.
So I need everyone to pray for me this week as I go in to do the first test. I am asking for strength and for all my doubts to disappear. I know I will soon be pregnant if God wills it. IT WILL BE DONE. I love ya thanks for reading. Any questions post them on facebook I am more than willing to answer them.

So this is how you SHHHHshhssssshhOOOOoooooPPPPpppp.???

I have so much right now on my brain it is just flooding in and out. So I am going to try to make as much sense as possible. Well first Easter went wonderfully so grateful for my church family and for the many lost that have now been found. Just an amazing Sunday and it's just going to get better! I had a great weigh in today as well down another six pounds. 3/4 an inch off my waist. I feel better and I am so thankful for that. But a lot has been on my mind these last few weeks. I had a lot of set backs where I didn't lose barely anything. I try to look at the good side I didn't gain in that time but I am really good at dwelling on things. I have set a goal for this month. I will be seeing my Mom is less than three weeks. I want to get to my 90% goal weight. I have 26 pounds to lose. Half that would be my 90% So 13 pounds is my goal in a little over two weeks. I know I can do it! I lost 6 this week I just got to stay focused and keep my eye on the prize. I want my Mom to be like OMG EVE!!!!!!!! Which everyone keeps telling me I am already at OMG EVE stage. I look back at my pictures that people took of me and I am like no way is that me? Yesterday at church in the countdown video it was cilps of volunteers and people from all over that have impacted the church. My husband was in the clips and then I saw a full body up close of me I was like OMG WHO TOOK THAT!!!! I was shocked at how big I was. I am still in shock at how small I am now. Let's just say that shopping has never been a favorite of mine and it still is a problem. I don't know how to shop for this little me. I still think I am in a 22 and that my butt is still to big to fit into regular sized clothes. I went to the mall last Saturday by myself and I went into the shops that I knew I went to JC Pennys didn't find anything cute then to Sears didn't find anything worth looking at. Then I went to Dillards and got price tag shock!!!! That's when I said enough is enough I give up! I went home self defeated. Monday the next week my friend Brittney wanted to see the movie Beautiful creatures with me and it just happened to already be in the dollar theater. So we met up and watch the movie and after she decided to shop. She knew I was looking for an Easter dress to wear and so was she. Now Brittney is a size 4 very tall and very beautiful woman. She is beautiful inside and out. But deep inside I knew I needed to follow her into these shops I had passed by the other day going to Sears, Dillards, and JCPenny's.  We started at a shop called Charlette Rouse. I was looking around but I was still shopping for big Eve not small Eve. I started to get deflated as I found very few XL. The ones I did find I took to the dressing room to try on. That's when I freaked out in the dressing room when of all places the dress was too BIG??!!?? My boobs area what the heck?!?!?!?! NO way so shyly I asked Brittney to bring me a Large. One of the dresses that I liked they only had it in a large so she grabbed it off the rack and brought it too me. It fit and I was excited again plus the shop we were at didn't have outrageous prices. I bought a cute Easter dress for $32.00! I found a new place to shop. My spirits were lifted again!!!! My weight loss couch wants to do a shopping trip with me when we reach my goal. I told her it is hard to shop when all your life there has only been two shops maybe three in town that have age approperate clothes to wear that don't cost a small fortune. It makes shopping a pain. I don't know how to shop. I told her I need an image couch now and she agreed. So this next week I am getting my hair done for my San Antonio trip to see my mom. I am hoping to get a bit of sun too I am one heck of a white girl. My legs are blindingly white. :)
But enough about clothes shopping now we have to talk about gyno shopping. I am sure you remember last month I explained how I need to find a new Dr. The closer I am to my goal the more nervous I am getting about this. I feel that if all this hard work I have been doing is in vain I am going to crash. I don't want to think like this but my weight loss isn't just for me it's for my baby. It upsets me and I am getting teary writing this. I fear that there might be something worse wrong with me. I try not to think about it and have faith that Dr. Bullard wasn't completely blowing smoke up my ass about my weight being my only issue. But there is that small chance she could've missed something. I keep what if what iffing. I need to cut it out. Talking to my aunt she told me I need to just go to my new Dr. and let them start over with the skinny Eve and everything Dr. Bullard ran be whatever not important. But then I think of all the money I wasted on all the tests and I don't want to run all those again. I am sure Chris isn't too fond of the plastic cup test and I am sure he won't be thrilled to have to do that all over again! I guess what I am trying to say is I am scared very scared and I shouldn't be. My fear is that being a mother will never happen for me. I know that I don't need to wait any longer to find my answers. I ain't getting any younger and with my birthday just days away my procrastination is not getting any better. Maybe I should just make the appointment already? Pull the bandaid off quickly get it over with so I can go about the rest of my life? What do you think?

What's this?!?!?!? A HIP???!!!!

:) I just realized as I sit here finally that I completely missed the month of Febuary and I know why. Personally I can't stand the month of Febuary not because of Valentines Day actually I love Valentines Day. Oh no its more personal I lost two important people in my life in Febuary and I miss them like crazy and this year another two family members joined the list. It's been rough and I cracked under the pressure. I cheated on my diet bad and surprizingly didn't gain anything. Maybe greaving you burn calories I don't know but I am happy to say I didn't fall off as bad as I thought. Here's the list of things I cheated with fried onion rings with BBQ sauce, pizza which made me wish I was dead, and cookies and a big slice of cake! Yep I cheated like crazy! But I still lost two pounds that week lol funny how our bodies work.
 I still don't understand all the crazy things our bodies do during the week but I could write a book on what mine does. That's why it's so important not to weigh ourselves daily if we did that we would definately be discouraged. I mean in a course of a regular day of eatting only the things on my plan and vegetables and my 8 ounces of meat I gain in weight over 5 pounds a day!!!! Also on Mondays when I go for my appointment I wouldn't be surprized by my loss if I weighed myself everyday. I love to be surprized it makes me ready to tackle the rest of the week. :)
This week I go in to see Dr. Lubin. On Thursday I had blood work done and a urine test. It's to make sure that the metformin I am on isn't messing with my kidneys. I feel great never better and my high blood pressure is gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have normal numbers and I can't wait to see Dr. Lubin. I hope being excited doesn't raise it up??!!??
I also in the month of Febuary went and saw my sleep disorder Dr. Ramerez. He was so happy with my updates and was shocked to see that I had lost as much weight as I have and that he hopes I continue to do well.
Okay so here's my weight now 183lbs. from 256lbs. I wish I could remember how many inches I have lost. Lets just say it's a lot! I am now in a size ten pants in most brands. I also went to Victoria's secret and bought myself some pretty new bras too. Happy to report and sad at the same time that my boobs haven't gone down a size just my diameter is now a 36 from a 44. :) Ugh....and because my frame is getting smaller my shoulders have been hurting me. I blame it on my boobs but I have been working my arms trying to get my flabby arms under control and I think I haven't been overdoing. But I could be wrong.
Last but not least I have been noticing these weird things poking out. My husband calls them hip bones? I haven't seen these since I was going thru puberty. My neck bones too have started to stick out it is kind of freaky. My wrist bones are starting to show and the tops of my arms are getting leaner too. I know my face too is starting shrink I have one chin now and my knees are starting to also show. My ribs poke out too when I lie flat and if I sit with poor posture my rib on my right side pokes me. Weird huh? My hands are now so small I can't wear my wedding band not even on my thumb. I had to put it away so now it looks like I am single. Sorry guys I am married I don't need a band of gold to prove that :)
Also next month I plan on visiting my mom and brother and neice in Texas. I haven't seen my mom in almost three years and I miss her like crazy. I am definately not the same Eve she remembers I am half the size I was but still her Eve and can't wait to see her. There are so many things that I want to say in my blog today but I feel if I don't stop now I will just keep running on and on. So my final thought I swear is about a friend who is going thru the same thing as me but her situation is a bit different. She went to the same Dr. I had gone too for infertility and was given clomid to kick start her ovulation. It didn't work and she was shown the door by the same Dr. I am not going to bad mouth this Dr. if you have spoken with me you know who it is. I am not fond of this Dr. I am still hurt by the waste of my time and $$$$ to be told nope you're to fat I can't help you any further. My friend took my advice and found a new Dr. too see. She went on Wednesday to see Dr. Ramme I believe is how you spell his name and she was very impressed by the compassion of him and the staff at Coastal OBGYN. My friend had a depo implant inserted into her arm several years ago. They don't do this kind of birth control anymore and she still has the implant tubes in her arm and he thinks they still have medicine in them that is causing her not to ovulate but he also said if she was still having her periods every month and regularly that it could be a blockage in her tubes. So she is having a sonagram to check for blockage and having the implant removed. She is getting answers and I am excited for her and I can't wait to see him too. I need my female check up and I am definately taking my records elsewhere. So that final thought I say have a wonderful week and thank you for reading my blog till next time take care!

I only want what's best for you!!!!

Well it's been one heck of a week and man am I wore out too! Things have been somewhat hectic at work with 23rd street opening back up. With them opening today we also had a visit from home office peeps. Ugh....I am glad it is over now we can all calm back down and have realistic time to get things done in again.
On a happy note I lost three pounds this week and another 1/2 inch in my boobs. But sadly the 38 DD bra I bought still doesn't fit. So apparently my cup hasn't changed so I am in the process of figuring out how big the girls are. How annoying I hate bra shopping but you gotta have a good sling for you things. :) It's hard not to waste money on clothes. Even my 13 jeans I just bought are starting to get baggy in the butt. I am going to try and wash them in some hot water in hopes they will shrink some. It can't hurt right?

My biggest stress right now is my house which is always a stress for me. I think it's why we go out so much because we hate our house. Cleaning it up is one thing but we are in the process of a remodel an on going seven year nightmare. Oh course someone told me today there sister is in an 18 year remodel. lol I thought I had it bad!

On another topic I cheated! Yep I cheated and I loved it. Okay I felt a bit bad for doing it. What did I cheat on you ask? Well I had fajita I only ate two flour tortilla I didn't have beans or rice but I did have a bit of sour cream and some cheese oh and of course cooked onions! They were so good too and right now I am cheating again with a small cup of panera brocolli soup it is soooooo yummy but no bread. I can't be that bad. These things are probably going to wreck my system my stomach has been a bit off. I blame it on work with all the added stress. But what you eat can affect your whole body.

Now to get to what this blog is all about EXCUSES.....you know who you are. I have been praying for you and I want you to be healthy and not have all the pain. It's $90 a week when you stop drinking those nasty ass sodas you can afford this plan. I want you to be a grandma and great grandma but at the rate you are going you may not make it. I want you to wake up and thank God but I want you to thank God first for having your health. I know you don't thank him for that because you don't have good health. You're falling apart and every Dr. keeps telling you the same thing I am. LOSE WEIGHT!!! You know the system works you see me and how good I am doing. I am so far from perfect on the system I hiccup here and there but that's what Jennifer is for. You have met her she could see the pain on your face. I love you and I only want what's best for all my best friends. I am praying for you to make the final step. If you need a hand I am there you know that. So this ends my blog for this week. I love you all and wish you all would get healthy you know who you are!!!!!

Oh WOW!!!!!!

This week at weigh in was a total shock. The day before we went to a friends house who made us steaks on the grill with asparagus. Accidently he added too much smoke and the steaks and asparagus were very smokey tasting. Which in turn made my stomach very upset and I had gas too. So driving Monday into my appointment I figured there was no way I had lost anything. If I had it wouldn't show and my gas would make me bloated. I never expect to lose as much as I lose every week. I try very hard to stay off the scales at home.Jennifer my nutritionist keeps telling me that I should only weight in once a week and at the same time.Our bodies change from day to day. Some days we have more water than others and if we constantly look at the scale everyday we would definately stop losing weight. Main reason because we would be disappointed in the amount we gain. Amazing how one pound can rail road you into thinking you are a failure but it is rough starting a diet and even harder to stick too it.
One of the things I still struggle with is stress. Stress brings on my bing eatting and on this diet I have no room for cheating AT ALL! So my cheat which I haven't told my Nutrionist about is my sugar free candy. I am very careful not to eat more than the package says is a serving. Besides if you have ever tried sugar free candy you would know if you eat more than what a serving is like oh say a whole bag you will have the worst case of RUNS and will wish you were dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Think I am kidding go ahead have a whole bag of reese sugar free cups and you will have to call in to work for several days. Possibly call a plumber as your sewer backs up. Okay maybe not that bad but seriously it is a bad idea. You have been warned!!!!!!
Okay so I walk in the back to be weighed and like I said I didn't expect good numbers. Jennifer took the large weight and moved it from the 200 lbs to the 150 lbs spot and readjusted the top scale. I just about died. It was like an even bigger weight had been taken off my shoulders. Like all my hard work was finally starting to show. Even though I know it shows because everyone keeps reminding me with heart felt kind words and encouragement. Ya'll really are awesome. It has finally set in just how awesome I am doing on this diet. I am also excited to say in large print too that I am now UNDER 200 LBS!!!!!! I want to shout it from the roof tops. Dance around like an idiot. It makes me smile that I hit my first goal. I have never been able to reach any of the goals I have set for myself until now and I feel like I could take on the world now. Now I am at 198 lbs and I have only 48 lbs to reach my goal weight of 150lbs. At the rate I am losing I will be able to wear a bikini by spring break. I can't wait to visit my mom in April I plan on surprizing her can't disclose all the details but it will be awesome. I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clearing out the clutter

Happy New Year!!! Yeah I know a bit late on the blog but I have been busy. I know I know excuses but really I haven't had time to sit and relax enough for my thoughts to come out. Actually right now I am having trouble getting them to come forth but I will blah blah through it. :) It's been rough with the holidays I was a good girl and didn't have anything I wasn't supposed too. But I am still to this day missing all the fried food that I find comforting. I know I am not supposed to find comfort in food but it's hard to reprogram yourself. I grew up eating pizza my mom was a single parent. She worked long tiring hours at work and then came home to us kids who were hungry .There was never any food in my house growing up. Well not real food. We had ramen noodles and mac and cheese maybe some bologna. I remember summers being filled with bbq spam and white bread. I used to eat bread with sugar on top of it and throw it back with a ice cold two liter of coke. No wonder I got so big lol. So breaking these habits of eating wrong is very difficult for me. I really have to focus on my goal and in school they don't teach you how to set a goal and to reach it. You just have to do it and it is hard ya'll.
 Baby steps baby steps. So when people ask me how much you have lost I say I am half way to my goal. My goal is 100 lbs. I have a little less than three months to achieve the rest of my goal. I plan on seeing my mom and brother at the beginning of April my birthday and I plan on having a big slice of cake and some ice cream which I miss so much :). Of course I can plan all I want it's up to God. I really hope it all happens like I want because I miss my mom and brother and niece like crazy. It's been almost three years since I have seen them. Even if I don't meet my goal I am still seeing my mom I just won't get cake to go with it lol.
On another note I have been going thru my closet and having a wide collect of clothes that are in need of a new home. Size 22 and 20 pants. I have a suit also size 20. Lots of cute still in style tops and even a pair of bell bottoms with fur on them! It's real fur too! I want to give these to someone I know to wear. If interested message me on facebook.
53 pounds to go!!!!!! Love ya'll will try harder this year to keep this blog updated but I can't make any promises. ;)