I have had a lot on my mind mainly money. My last post was all about money and how much it makes me sick with stress. I started thinking today I could get out of debt with the bills I have now by using my 401 K. I realize if I do this I will have to pay taxes on it and take a huge penalty. But....I don't want to go further into debt either. I can always start my retirement over again. Besides I will have kids to take care of me, lol I know fat chance. I just feel hopeless right now. I know if I go the IVF route it is going to cost a small fortune. I don't want to finance anything else. I feel we are up to our eye balls in debt right now. I guess everyone was right buy a car and a baby comes along. I wish I would have bought the damn car SOONER. Oh and I still haven't mailed my packet yet. They keep calling me so I am mailing it not finished. I was supposed to go by Dr. Bullards office and get my records but that isn't happening. Everything she did for me I consider a bad dream. Like it never happened. At least Chris got his medical records from Dr. Hitt. At least one set of medical records are in the mail.
Yall keep praying it happens this month. I would so love to cancel the appointment to the fertility clinic.I don't know why but I am terrified of going. It seems silly but it freaks me out. I keep wondering why God didn't make me like everyone else. Why do I have to go thru this? I know I shouldn't question him. He knows what he's doing I just wish he would tell me.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Wondering if I wasted more time and money....
I am deeming the last two weeks a total and utter nightmare. Where did I get this crazy idea that having a baby would just magically happen once one tube was unclogged. Where did I get this crazy idea that tracking my ovulation would make a difference. Where did I get this crazy idea that stress wouldn't have a major roll in the production of another human being!!! Yeah I am stressed out to the max and as the medical bills start to trickle in I am more and more discouraged.
As I continue the long process of filling out all this paper work that the Dr. in Gulf Breeze wants I am beginning to wonder if we are going to be able to afford this? It always comes down to money always. Ugh...now I am upset that didn't take long. I hate money it stresses me out to no end. I can't work with it I mean being a cashier is easy working at the service desk was easy but money center NO WAY that much money and my nerves start up. Well every month as I pay the wonderful bills I get sick to my stomach and stress out and sometimes not meaning to I will bring my loving husband into the problem of money and we start to fight. I just got rid of two credit cards I was rejoicing. I was happy now I am looking at almost $ 10,000 in medical bills and yes my insurance or lack of has paid their portion of the surgery. My stomach is preminately upset and work isn't making this problem go away. Work is adding to my stress. It's that time of year when hours get cut and you have to do more work in less time. I almost fell asleep on the way home. I am wore out and still have tomorrow to worry about. Plus I found out our bonus which I was really hoping was big isn't.So any extra money to pay off these medical bills just isn't there.
To add to the stress this months period was so bad I almost went to the ER. Chris was out of town and I was all alone this last weekend. I wouldn't stop bleeding. I didn't have cramps but the blood loss was high. I started to get the shakes and I could tell from my sunk in eyes that I was fading fast. This made me even more stressed out because I started to think I was having a miscarriage. I took three pregnancy test all came out negative. But I had read it was possible to still be pregnant. That made this last weekend even worse. I cried, I ate stuff I shouldn't have, and I took the longest nap of my life. I woke up Sunday and I was human again. I fixed my hair or rather tried to fix my hair and I went to church alone. Chris got home late Sunday afternoon and we watched football together and again ate stuff we shouldn't have. All this eatting of things I shouldn't has cause me to put on over 12 lbs. I feel dreadful too. I can't believe I have done this. I start to think if I wasn't seeing my personal trainer how much more weight would I have gained by now. So no more bad stuff only meat and vegetables for this girl. I have to get this weight off. I have got to stop stressing out. I have got to stop worrying about money.
September 20th I go back to see Dr. Ramie not exactly sure why I am seeing him again. I think he just wants to make sure I am doing okay or something? I wish I could say I am. I wish all my money problems would just disappear. I wish I would have seen Dr. Ramie three years ago! But there are a lot of things I wish I could change and some that I realize if I did change them I wouldn't know all the great people I now know. Like if I didn't work in the bakery I wouldn't have ever meet Jennifer. I would still be fat and miserable and no closer to having a baby. I thank God for her everyday. I just remember reading this in my packet that I am still trying to get filled out and sent in. What is your state of mental health over your infertily. Honestly it scares me. I see adorable babies in carts at Walmart the Mom is shopping and walks just far enough away from the cart. I actually think about how easy it would be for me to snatch the kid and run for it. Now I swear I wouldn't ever do it but the thought is there which scares me. The longing is so strong. I worry that I have wasted my money on this surgery. I was told that everyone heals differently. My tube could be just as scared up as before my period this month doesn't give me much hope. I am like a tv that keeps changing channels. If it is God's will then this will happen. I just wish somehow I could fast forward it and skip to the best part!
Please pray for me and for my job and my boss and co workers that have to deal with me. I am sure my stress is transferring to them. Pray for my loving husband who desipite all I have put him through and the mean things I say he still loves me anyways. Pray for Oct. 2 that's our appointment to see the Dr. in Gulf Breeze and pray for our money issues. I thank you all for reading my blog maybe one day I will turn it into a book. A friend said I should I already have the title but I ain't telling ya :)
As I continue the long process of filling out all this paper work that the Dr. in Gulf Breeze wants I am beginning to wonder if we are going to be able to afford this? It always comes down to money always. Ugh...now I am upset that didn't take long. I hate money it stresses me out to no end. I can't work with it I mean being a cashier is easy working at the service desk was easy but money center NO WAY that much money and my nerves start up. Well every month as I pay the wonderful bills I get sick to my stomach and stress out and sometimes not meaning to I will bring my loving husband into the problem of money and we start to fight. I just got rid of two credit cards I was rejoicing. I was happy now I am looking at almost $ 10,000 in medical bills and yes my insurance or lack of has paid their portion of the surgery. My stomach is preminately upset and work isn't making this problem go away. Work is adding to my stress. It's that time of year when hours get cut and you have to do more work in less time. I almost fell asleep on the way home. I am wore out and still have tomorrow to worry about. Plus I found out our bonus which I was really hoping was big isn't.So any extra money to pay off these medical bills just isn't there.
To add to the stress this months period was so bad I almost went to the ER. Chris was out of town and I was all alone this last weekend. I wouldn't stop bleeding. I didn't have cramps but the blood loss was high. I started to get the shakes and I could tell from my sunk in eyes that I was fading fast. This made me even more stressed out because I started to think I was having a miscarriage. I took three pregnancy test all came out negative. But I had read it was possible to still be pregnant. That made this last weekend even worse. I cried, I ate stuff I shouldn't have, and I took the longest nap of my life. I woke up Sunday and I was human again. I fixed my hair or rather tried to fix my hair and I went to church alone. Chris got home late Sunday afternoon and we watched football together and again ate stuff we shouldn't have. All this eatting of things I shouldn't has cause me to put on over 12 lbs. I feel dreadful too. I can't believe I have done this. I start to think if I wasn't seeing my personal trainer how much more weight would I have gained by now. So no more bad stuff only meat and vegetables for this girl. I have to get this weight off. I have got to stop stressing out. I have got to stop worrying about money.
September 20th I go back to see Dr. Ramie not exactly sure why I am seeing him again. I think he just wants to make sure I am doing okay or something? I wish I could say I am. I wish all my money problems would just disappear. I wish I would have seen Dr. Ramie three years ago! But there are a lot of things I wish I could change and some that I realize if I did change them I wouldn't know all the great people I now know. Like if I didn't work in the bakery I wouldn't have ever meet Jennifer. I would still be fat and miserable and no closer to having a baby. I thank God for her everyday. I just remember reading this in my packet that I am still trying to get filled out and sent in. What is your state of mental health over your infertily. Honestly it scares me. I see adorable babies in carts at Walmart the Mom is shopping and walks just far enough away from the cart. I actually think about how easy it would be for me to snatch the kid and run for it. Now I swear I wouldn't ever do it but the thought is there which scares me. The longing is so strong. I worry that I have wasted my money on this surgery. I was told that everyone heals differently. My tube could be just as scared up as before my period this month doesn't give me much hope. I am like a tv that keeps changing channels. If it is God's will then this will happen. I just wish somehow I could fast forward it and skip to the best part!
Please pray for me and for my job and my boss and co workers that have to deal with me. I am sure my stress is transferring to them. Pray for my loving husband who desipite all I have put him through and the mean things I say he still loves me anyways. Pray for Oct. 2 that's our appointment to see the Dr. in Gulf Breeze and pray for our money issues. I thank you all for reading my blog maybe one day I will turn it into a book. A friend said I should I already have the title but I ain't telling ya :)
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