Never say never!

Well it has been a crazy week. I had my HSG yesterday it went better than I had hoped for. The fact : my tubes are still not fully open as much as they should be which still complicates things. But BOTH are open now!!!!!!! When Dr. Ramie told me the other tube the one that was so scared is open I felt God in the room. Let me tell ya holding this in for the last day has been rough. I wanted to tell everyone the moment I found out but I have been planning my blog. I wanted to share it with those that actually read my ramblings. When I was waiting for Dr. Ramie to arrive I was sitting on the hospital bed in the neatest gown it had a heater in it. I wanted to take it home with me. I love to be warm and cozy. I had my moment of prayer. I asked God to do what he needed to do. It's all in his hands. I am honestly terrified of doing IVF not just for the cost but the emotional strain. I am already a basket case and this is just the beginning. I keep asking for guidance and Chris doesn't want to go IVF he is afraid of it too. Most our conversation about it end with me crying so hard he can't talk to me. This is tearing me up just to write this. I pray that the RE likes what he sees and we can do IUI instead of IVF. For those that don't know what IUI is it's artificial insemination. They take his best multiple collections of sperm and injected it into me at the right time of ovulation. Then we wait and hopefully a baby is born. This route is covered under insurance. IVF isn't and involves lots of surgeries to remove the eggs put them back and I would have to have my tubes tied off. It's not guaranteed to work on the first cycle.
Then there is this part of me that wants a baby no matter what. That side would climb mountains ,sell everything ,even lose weight to gain a healthy baby.
 People keep mentioning adoption. It's not for me I can't bond with someone else's child. I want my own. I want the morning sickness, the weird cravings, the huge ankles, people rubbing my belly. I want it so bad! So I know you mean well but don't ever suggest adoption to a woman who is going through infertility. It just upsets her more than you may realize. Support her by praying and being that hug she needs when things upset her. Listen when she needs to talk. Those are just a few things that I need lots of right now. Maybe I am asking too much and I am sorry but until you go through it you have no idea how it feels. I have to keep a positive look on this or I will crumble. This journey has the ability to ruin me but I won't let it. Sorry I just got a bit too real. I do thank you all for continued prayer. I know soon we will have good news. I just know it !!!thank you love you all.

Keeping hope against all odds.

This is the hardest blog I have written. I wish I could say I have the best news ever but that ended Sunday morning. God had other plans. I miscarried it was quick I was only pregnant that I knew of for two days. Two wonderful days. I had no energy I didn't feel like myself and I was posting it all on Facebook and I just thought I was tired from all the emotional and financial decisions that my husband and I needed to make.
 I keep remembering the visit with the Dr. now when asked if I had ever been pregnant I said no. It was the truth to think as I sat there I was pregnant. The weird feeling in the waiting room was my baby's cells being divided. The knots in my stomach were my body responding to the pregnancy.
 I have cried and it still upsets me. I just have to pray the next time it sticks and is healthy.
Knowing my tube isn't blocked is one happy thought. I can get pregnant! This isn't the end of my story. This is just the beginning. I can't wait to start trying again.
 I have another appointment to see my Dr. It's on the 18th. I have plenty of things to ask him and pray I don't need medication to carry a baby full term. I pray this next cycle is the one. I want to be pregnant before the new year. Silly goal but I have the most awesome prayer team. You know who you are. I feel so blessed to have you in my life. I would be a total basket case without you. Well I will keep you updated but hopefully my next blog will bring wonderful news. Love you all.

Just so draining.....

This Wednesday we met dr. Koulianos. He was a pleasant Dr. Very easy to understand. All nesessary things I look for in a dr. But waiting in the waiting room was pure hell. There were other couples besides us waiting to see the dr. The difference in us was the wife was the husbands age. They talked to each other in hushed voices. I kept rubbing Chris's arm showing affection to make him feel less uncomfortable. To make matters worse I made Chris dress up for this appointment and this caused a fight. The whole drive down to Gulf Breeze was miserable. I just wanted him to look nice. He just wanted to wear a Mickey Mouse tee shirt and jeans. In the meeting we found out both of us have issues and that human reproduction is designed poorly. Meaning if you can't pay taxes and sell cocaine you have lots of babies but if you pay taxes and can afford kids you have troubles attaining them.
He went on to talk about the first course of action which sounded really weird. I didn't know you could freeze sperm and eggs. It seems so Si-fi. They would put Chris on special supplements to make his sperm form correctly. He would donated several times. They go and separate out all the good sperm from the bad sperm freeze it and then when I am ovulating they would insert it in my uterus. This is artificial insemenation. This is the less $$$$$$ route. But first we have to buy supplements wait two months then do another sperm analyst. I have to have two test done. The first is an HSG I just had this done in July. That's where they take iodine shoot it up into the uterus into the tubes to see if they are blocked. If they are blocked I have to have another surgery to remove them. The scar tissue inside the tubes can affect the egg for IVF. Apparently scar tissue has its own hormones it produces it's science I don't get. All I see is more holes in me and more pain and more depression knowing this will be my only way of getting pregnant. I won't be able to get pregnant naturally. But before those test I need to have my egg count done. I may not have any eggs left. Or I may have very few left. That I think is impossible. I look at both my grandmothers who both had twins who both had late pregnancy in life. I don't think this is an issue but I'm not a dr. I won't know till it is done.
I have a lot to think about. The average cost of an IVF cycle is $8,000.00.  This is a huge expense. I
know it
is worth it but if I do this I don't think I can stay home and take care of my baby. I would have no choice but to work to pay off the overall cost of having it. My bills are already over $10,000 and that's for my first surgery which issuance paid. Ugh......just pray for me pray for piece of mind. I need to know I am choosing the right choice for Chris and I. I think buying a house was easier than this just saying. Also please pray for my mom she was just admitted to the hospital. She took a spill on her crutches about a week and a half ago but wouldn't go to the hospital and finally my brother while taking her to her foot dr to have a new cast put on her foot she went. They did the x-rays and her #75 vertebrae is fractured and compressed on top of each other. With her foot they admitted her to the hospital. My mind has been everywhere this week and I just need some sleep so pray for her and pray for me to get some good sleep. I was told today I look sick because my dark circles under my eyes are so black and the veins in my eyes are so red. I was like thanks for telling me I look bad if you had this much on your mind you would be tired too. Till the next update love you all.

401 K?

I have had a lot on my mind mainly money. My last post was all about money and how much it makes me sick with stress. I started thinking today I could get out of debt with the bills I have now by using my 401 K. I realize if I do this I will have to pay taxes on it and take a huge penalty. But....I don't want to go further into debt either. I can always start my retirement over again. Besides I will have kids to take care of me, lol I know fat chance. I just feel hopeless right now. I know if I go the IVF route it is going to cost a small fortune. I don't want to finance anything else. I feel we are up to our eye balls in debt right now. I guess everyone was right buy a car and a baby comes along. I wish I would have bought the damn car SOONER. Oh and I still haven't mailed my packet yet. They keep calling me so I am mailing it not finished. I was supposed to go by Dr. Bullards office and get my records but that isn't happening. Everything she did for me I consider a bad dream. Like it never happened.  At least Chris got his medical records from Dr. Hitt. At least one set of medical records are in the mail.
Yall keep praying it happens this month. I would so love to cancel the appointment to the fertility clinic.I don't know why but I am terrified of going. It seems silly but it freaks me out. I keep wondering why God didn't make me like everyone else. Why do I have to go thru this? I know I shouldn't question him. He knows what he's doing I just wish he would tell me.

Wondering if I wasted more time and money....

I am deeming the last two weeks a total and utter nightmare. Where did I get this crazy idea that having a baby would just magically happen once one tube was unclogged. Where did I get this crazy idea that tracking my ovulation would make a difference. Where did I get this crazy idea that stress wouldn't have a major roll in the production of another human being!!! Yeah I am stressed out to the max and as the medical bills start to trickle in I am more and more discouraged.
As I continue the long process of filling out all this paper work that the Dr. in Gulf Breeze wants I am beginning to wonder if we are going to be able to afford this? It always comes down to money always. Ugh...now I am upset that didn't take long. I hate money it stresses me out to no end. I can't work with it I mean being a cashier is easy working at the service desk was easy but money center NO WAY that much money and my nerves start up. Well every month as I pay the wonderful bills I get sick to my stomach and stress out and sometimes not meaning to I will bring my loving husband into the problem of money and we start to fight. I just got rid of two credit cards I was rejoicing. I was happy now I am looking at almost $ 10,000 in medical bills and yes my insurance or lack of has paid their portion of the surgery. My stomach is preminately upset and work isn't making this problem go away. Work is adding to my stress. It's that time of year when hours get cut and you have to do more work in less time. I almost fell asleep on the way home. I am wore out and still have tomorrow to worry about. Plus I found out our bonus which I was really hoping was big isn't.So any extra money to pay off these medical bills just isn't there.
To add to the stress this months period was so bad I almost went to the ER. Chris was out of town and I was all alone this last weekend. I wouldn't stop bleeding. I didn't have cramps but the blood loss was high. I started to get the shakes and I could tell from my sunk in eyes that I was fading fast. This made me even more stressed out because I started to think I was having a miscarriage. I took three pregnancy test all came out negative. But I had read it was possible to still be pregnant. That made this last weekend even worse. I cried, I ate stuff I shouldn't have, and I took the longest nap of my life. I woke up Sunday and I was human again. I fixed my hair or rather tried to fix my hair and I went to church alone. Chris got home late Sunday afternoon and we watched football together and again ate stuff we shouldn't have. All this eatting of things I shouldn't has cause me to put on over 12 lbs. I feel dreadful too. I can't believe I have done this. I start to think if I wasn't seeing my personal trainer how much more weight would I have gained by now. So no more bad stuff only meat and vegetables for this girl. I have to get this weight off. I have got to stop stressing out. I have got to stop worrying about money.
September 20th I go back to see Dr. Ramie not exactly sure why I am seeing him again. I think he just wants to make sure I am doing okay or something? I wish I could say I am. I wish all my money problems would just disappear. I wish I would have seen Dr. Ramie three years ago! But there are a lot of things I wish I could change and some that I realize if I did change them I wouldn't know all the great people I now know. Like if I didn't work in the bakery I wouldn't have ever meet Jennifer. I would still be fat and miserable and no closer to having a baby. I thank God for her everyday. I just remember reading this in my packet that I am still trying to get filled out and sent in. What is your state of mental health over your infertily. Honestly it scares me. I see adorable babies in carts at Walmart the Mom is shopping and walks just far enough away from the cart. I actually think about how easy it would be for me to snatch the kid and run for it. Now I swear I wouldn't ever do it but the thought is there which scares me. The longing is so strong. I worry that I have wasted my money on this surgery. I was told that everyone heals differently. My tube could be just as scared up as before my period this month doesn't give me much hope. I am like a tv that keeps changing channels. If it is God's will then this will happen. I just wish somehow I could fast forward it and skip to the best part!
Please pray for me and for my job and my boss and co workers that have to deal with me. I am sure my stress is transferring to them. Pray for my loving husband who desipite all I have put him through and the mean things I say he still loves me anyways. Pray for Oct. 2 that's our appointment to see the Dr. in Gulf Breeze and pray for our money issues. I thank you all for reading my blog maybe one day I will turn it into a book. A friend said I should I already have the title but I ain't telling ya :)

Worried,scared, but hopeful

I wasn't planning on writing on my blog tonight but the longer I sit here and the more research aka googling I do on ovulation the more excited and scared I get. I went out last week after my Dr. appointment and bought the two month supply of ovulation testing sticks and I got the good ones with the digital display. I wasn't expecting to ovulate after all the trama from the surgery but something told me go ahead and see. Sure enough I am ovulating this week and I have been having ovulation pains. I thought I was losing my mind I am so hopeful and scared right now every little twinge in my ovary area is making me nervous. Then tonight I started to bleed. Not blood gushing but spotting. I started to freak out got a bit nervous and thought OH CRAP I need to call the Dr.

Luckily there are lots of great sites for women like me who freak out over everything. Apparently  my bleeding is caused by the egg being released from the follicle and the contraction caused by the follipian tubes moving the egg. I have never had this happen before EVER. I have never had ovulation pain or bleeding this is all new to me and because pain and cramping is involved I thought I was about to start my period. But I knew that wasn't happening it couldn't be not with all the work I just had done to me. I am worried, scared, but hopeful that we can do this naturally. Keep praying everybody it takes two weeks for the egg to do its thing. Keep praying it can go where it needs to be and not in my tube. Pray for my peace of mind and not to stress out over this. So many great things are happening but I am too busy worrying about what I have no control over.  I thank you all for reading until the next update love ya.

The journey just got a little longer.......

First off what a day it started at 3 am and ended at 4 pm. I am wore out but I have a new hope and did I mention I love my Dr. He is awesome very compassionate and just awesome. Chris got to come with me and talk with him too today and he asked questions I wouldn't have thought to ask. Of course I forgot some questions but hopefully I can google them later on tonight when I remember them. First off I do indeed have stage 3 endometriosis. Most women who have it this bad get hysterectomy. I am of course not ready to have my female parts taken out even if they are all scared up. My one tube is open for how long I don't know. Even Dr. Ramie couldn't tell me a definate. Endometriosis keeps growing every time you have a period it builds back. So I may only have one month but this doesn't mean I am throwing in the towel just yet. Heck no I have come this far this journey is no where close to being done. It is just starting.
I have one month to make a baby naturally then I get to see reproductive endocrinologist in Gulf Breeze. I think his name was Dr. Ocello? Dr. Ramie recommends their practice they have a main lab in Mobile Alabama. I am excited, scared, and I feel like a kid on Christmas right now. I am also emotional. I found out why I kept bleeding after the surgery Dr. Ramie reset my period. I didn't think you could do that but with all the stuff he removed that's exactly what happened. So I get to start trying to make a baby a week earlier than planned.
The down side to trying naturally is with all the scaring on my one tube I run a 50% chance of having an ectopic pregnancy. So Dr. Ramie wants to see me immediately in five weeks to do a test to check hormone levels if they go up or down which ones I can't remember it means that the egg has implanted in the tube they can stop the pregnancy before it becomes a serious problem and requires emergency surgery. That kind of bummed me out and scared me a bit. He also told me if I go the IVF route which is a safer bet I still run the risk of the egg going up into the tubes and implanting. Most fertility Dr. will tie off the tubes to stop this from occuring. That really bummed me out. That would mean the only way I could have kids is IVF PERIOD! I will have all my questions answered October 2. I plan on making a day of it and visiting family in Gulf Breeze. Hopefully I can get the time off of work to do this things are a bit crazy right now.
Please pray for a natural born child IVF is a tough decision. I don't believe in abortion or selective anything a baby is a baby and I couldn't choose which one to use. It's all or nothing I have read a bit on it and talking with this Dr. I pray will put my mind and Chris's mind at ease. Medical science has come a long way in twenty years. So I guess I should get off this computer now and go and make some babies LOL okay sorry TMI but that's what Dr. Ramie said for me to do of course he said the car was a good place to start LOL I about died laughing talk about awkward LOL. Thank you for your continued prayers and support I love you all so much. Will keep ya updated. :)