I have good news and bad news.

I wish I could say I am happy right now but actually I am very upset and I am trying really hard to understand why I have to go through so much to start my family. I try to think of my grandmother Wheeler and how she had tried for 14 years to conceive and finally at 32 my mother was born. I remember her telling me she didn't even know she was pregnant. She was visiting her mother in Bayou La Batre and her boobs were really hurting her. She knew her period would start soon but her breast were making her uncomfortable. So my great grandmother took her into the bedroom and told her to remove her shirt. That's when my great grandmother told my grandmother she was indeed pregnant and needed to see a Dr. when she got home to Panama City. Sure enough eight months later my mother was born. I keep remembering this story and it makes me sad because I miss my grandmother so much and it gives me hope at the same time. Okay sorry already I am crying and becoming an emotional wreck I blame it on my hormones aka my period. So lets recap what test have been ran.
In April I had the PCOS test ran it came up negative. WOO HOO this is good news and bad because PCOS is fixed with METFORMIN I am on this medication for my diabetes. So metformin isn't going to make me have children and fix my problem. Bummer :(
Friday I went to have my transvaginal ultrasound to see if all my parts are where they are supposed to be and if any growth is on my tubes. Unfortunately I misunderstood Dr. Ramie I thought he would be able to see if my tubes were blocked with the ultrasound the ultrasould can only see cyst or tumors. Well good news I don't have cyst or any tumors. Bad news I have what appears to be fluid around my uterus. Mind you I literally Friday morning woke up and started to spot. I knew my period would start very soon and on the ultrasound you could see the lining and everything and how full it was. I was like wow that's freaky. The tech was teaching a new student how to read the screen and I was of course a bundle of questions. She said I had a text book uterus and overies. All my parts are where they should be it was like looking at one of those posters they have hanging in the rooms while you wait.That made me feel a little bit better but seeing Dr. Ramie after he looked at my ultrasound didn't make me happy. I held it together when he told me he was sure it was endometriosis. I will indeed have surgery to remove it and he will scrap my tubes clear if they are blocked. The only way to know for sure if I have endometriosis is to have surgery it doesn't show up very well on ultrasounds. But he thinks I am in stage three by the issues I have had with my periods since I started puberty.  If I choose to not have surgery I might as well throw in the towel so to speak. If the eggs can't nest it's self it can't never get fertilized by the sperm so even if my tubes aren't blocked the endometriosis is making it to where my egg can't sit and get fertilized.  I imagine my eggs floating all over the place and Chris's sperm getting very tired and falling asleep. Crazy imagination I have but in fact that's what's going on.
I go in for surgery July 30th. I am scared but not because of the pain or recovery. I am scared because what if it isn't endometriosis what if there is nothing wrong with me what if.............boy I need to turn that switch off in my brain. That is the one part of being a woman that I can't stand. The what ifs. I know what I am need to do and I am going to do it. I have decided Chris and I will try after having the surgery to conceive naturally for a few months then I will talk to Dr. Ramie about IVF. This surgery is not a fix to my problem it is a small window of opportunity. This crap will come back as long as I am producing estrogen and having my periods I will have endometriosis.The surgery will be outpatient and laperscopic. So I should be back to work in about a week. I plan on taking some vacation time to heal up nicely since I have a very labor intensive job now. I really wish I would have stayed at the desk but live, learn and get over it :) I can't wait to start my family. Thank you for your prayers I could feel each of you there with me. This is just the beginning not the end and I need to remember that. I still have a long way too go. So until next time love you all!